Advantage and disadvantage

Machines are taking over more and more jobs previously done by humans.

What are the advantage and disadvantages of this trend

Introduction - Background(general) - Paraphrase - Thesis(Your opinion)

Body - P1 (Ad-) Topic sentence   First argument   Explanation  2nd argument  Explanation - P2 (Disad-) Topic sentence  First argument  Explaination  2nd argument  Explanation

Conclusion

Paraphrasing
- Automation is increasingly replacing tasks that were once performed by people. - The growing use of machines is gradually taking over roles traditionally handled by humans. - More and more human responsibilities are being taken over by technological advancements. - Tasks once completed by individuals are now increasingly being performed by machines. - The replacement of human labor by machines is becoming more common.
take over	replace, replacement of ~ by ...
more and more	growing use/ gradually
previously done	traditionally handled, once performed, once completed
advantages	merits, benefits, pros adj) advantageous, beneficial, positivevly effect
disadvantages	demerits, drawbacks, adverse, negative effects adj) disadvantageous, adversely affect, harmful, damaging.
trend	phenomenon, development, pattern, tendency, shift, progression, change
people	customer, employee=workers,

 

Introduction - Background(general)	Over the decades, technology has significantly developed. -> Over the decades, advancements in technology have revolutionized various industries  (Technology has significantly developed 는 너무 일반적임. advancements in technology로 더 구체화 시켜야 함.
Introduction - Paraphrase	As a result, employees are gradually replaced by robots. -> As a result, robots and artificial intelligence are gradually replacing employees in many workplaces. 더 자연스럽게 + 더 명확하게 ( 마지막에 수정할 때 내가 하는 말들이 다 아래의 예시랑 이어지는지도 연결해봐야 함 )
Introduction - Thesis(Your opinion)	In this essay, I will discuss the pros and cons of this phenomenon.  -> In this essay, I will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon, providing my perspective on its overall impact. (더 높은 수준의 의견 제시를 강조하면 좋음.)
Body - P1 (Ad-) Topic sentence	Clearly, there are several benefits when artificial intelligence takes over the workplaces.
Body - P1 (Ad-)   First argument	Firstly, machines are time-efficient. -> Firstly, machines are highly time-efficient. (highly를 붙여서 강조 및 살을 추가 하기!)
Body - P1 (Ad-)   Explanation/Example	In more detail, compared to humans who need periodic rests, machines are designed to work continuously. -> Unlike humans, who require periodic breaks, machines are designed to operate continuously.  (in more detail 남용 금지. need 보다 require 사용하기. work 말고 operate 사용하기. ) At some coffee shops in South Korea, robots can cater two to three customers simultaneously. Therefore, they spare from waiting too long for orders. -> For instance, in some coffee shops in South Korea, robots can serve two to three customers simultaneously, reducing waiting times for orders. (cater 말 안되는 건 아니지만 serve 가 더 흔하게 쓰임. spare 말 안되는 건 아닌데 일반적으로는 reduce times 이고 더 읽기 쉬움. )
Body - P1 (Ad-)   2nd argument	Secondly, machines are cost-effective.  -> Secondly, machines are cost-effective in the long run.  (장기적으로 보았을 때 비로소 cost-effective 한거니까 좀 더 글의 정확성을 높일 수 있음.)
Body - P1 (Ad-)   Explanation	Although they require maintenance, hiring several employees is more expensive than machines itselves since companies must also cover their benefits and annual salary increases. -> While they require initial investment and regular maintenance, they eliminate the need for hiring multiple employees and paying for their benefits or annual salary increases. For business, this can lead to substantial savings over times.  (machines itselves 가 아니고 machines themselves. 구체적으로 어떤 메인터넌스인지 말함. initial investment and regular maintenance!! Although, while 모두 두 문장의 주어를 맞춰줘야지!!! 몇명의 직원들을 채용해야 한다고 할 떄 several employees 말고 배수의 직원을 뽑아야 하니 multiple !! hiring, and paying. 이 모든 것이 다 시간을 상당히 아껴준다고 정리!)
Body - P2 (Disad-) Topic sentence	Despite those merits mentioned, robots at workplaces pose various drawbacks. -> Despite these benefits, replacing human labor with robots presents significant drawbacks. merits 가 어색한가? 바로 위에서 나열한거니까 these라고 하고 mentioned 는 안써줘도 됨. 투머치 pose drawbacks 말고 presents drawbacks으로 하기.
Body - P2 (Disad-)  First argument	Primarily, a huge number of people could suffer from unemployment. Not only are the blue-collar workers affected, but also the white-collar employees. -> Primarily, it leads to widespread unemployment, affecting both blue-collar and white-collar workers. leads to 명사 잘 사용하기!
Body - P2 (Disad-)   Explanation/Example	As a specific example of this, delivering services has changed from human labors to drone deliveries since it was truly demanding for getting the products to the locations where has very difficult conditions. In addition, the amount of IT workers layoffs shows IT companies do not need workers anymore with the improvement of artificial intelligence and automation.  -> For example, delivery services have transitioned from human labor to drones, especially in remote or challenging locations.  (change 말고 transition 세대교체처럼 교체된 거니까!! 길게 the locations where has very difficult conditions이라고 말하지 말고 깔끔하게 remote and changing locations.  Furthermore, the increase in layoffs in IT sectors illustrates that even highly skilled workers are becoming redundant due to advancements in artificial intelligence and automation.  ( The amount of 말고 The increase로 말하는 게 더 자연스러움.
Body - P2 (Disad-)  2nd argument	Besides, hacking from rival companies causes trimendous damages for the company.  -> Besides, trusting everything to computers may pose a great danger of losing all information. -> Additionally, relying entirely on computers poses significant risks to data security. No system is immune to cyberattacks, and hacking by rival companies could result in severe financial and reputational damage.
Body - P2 (Disad-)   Explanation	Since all information and decision making about companies would be desigened and saved in computers, it is extremely dangerous from opposite companies' security attack.  -> It is because nothing is safe from security attacks or hacking which could cause tremendous damages for many companies.   ->  Since all critical information and decision-making processes are stored and managed digitally, a single breach could disrupts an entire organization.
Conclusion	In a nutshell, the replacement of human labor to machine at workplaces have positive and negative effects equally. Even though it leads to be time and cost effective for companies, it also make people and companies danger. -> In conclusion, the replacement of human labor with machines in workplaces has both positive and negative effects. While it enhances efficiency and reduces costs for companies,  it also results in unemployment and poses significant security risks. Therefore, careful consideration is necessary to balance the benefits and drawbacks of this technological shift.

 

 

 

 

To explain further, the replacement of blue-collar jobs by automations is because of the hussle labor itself and the shift from white collar workers to the development of artificial intelligence is due to advanced skills and performances that are traditionally exceptional for people. -> 하나의 argument에 대하여 explaination이나 example 중 하나만 해도 돼!! 시간문제

 

Argument도 explaination과 헷갈리면 안되는 게, argument는 항상 generalized해야 함. Specific Example같은 것은 뒤로 뺴!!(ex. hacking 말고 security risk!!)

 

Besides, hacking from rival companies causes trimendous damages for the company.

Since all information and decision making about companies would be desigened and saved in computers, it is extremely dangerous from opposite companies' security attack. 

 

의견 1 블루컬러는 노동자체가 힘드니까 기계가 만들어지고 자동화를 하게 하고 

화이트컬러는 AI의 발전에 따라 사람의 지식보다 더 나은 모델이 만들어지면서 자동화가 되게 된다. 

예시로, 배달업의 변화: 아마존같은 대형 온라인판매업체는 광활한 지역을 모두 배달하기에 사람이 힘드니 드론배달을 시작했다.

또한 IT 노동자 레이오프: 최근에는 AI의 도입으로 자동화가 이루어져 많은 IT 기업들이 노동자를 크게 필요로 하지 않음.

또다른 의견: 기계가 해킹이 된다면 경쟁사의 비밀을 빠르게 가져올 수 있다. 

이유: 전산화된 기계가 회사의 모든 정보를 가지고 있고 결정권도 갖게 된다면, 경쟁사가 이를 이용해서 오히려 나쁜 쪽으로 설계를 바꾸거나 정보를 빼올 수 있다. 

 

 

"Besides, hacking from rival companies causes tremendous damage to the company. Since all information and decision-making processes are designed and stored in computers, it is extremely dangerous to face security attacks from competing companies."

 

redundant [리단!던ㅌ]	불필요한, 과잉의, 중복된//직장에서는 해고된 ex) The report contained a lot of redundant information. ex) After the company restructured, many employees were made redundant.  ex) Having two coffee machines in a small office seems redundant. 과잉처럼 보여. 과
breach [브리치]	위반(Violation) ex) His actions were a breach of company policy.  The contract was terminated due to a breach of terms. 보안 침해(Security breach) ex) The company suffered a massive data breach last year.  Hackers gained access to sensitive information through a security breach.  관계의 단절 (Break in relationship) ex) There was a breach in their friendship after the argument.
	presents drawbacks = pose risks