[Writing Part 2] Everyone should stay in school until they reach the age of 18.

Everyone should stay in school until they reach the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

It is believed that everyone should go to school until 18 years old. I totally completely agree with this view.

 

To begin with, there are someone who think staying in school until reaching the age of 18 is may be unnecessary. First of all, if students who are younger then 18 years old decide their future job and are ready to go into society work, some people may find it is reasonable to get out of school and do start pursuing what they want. Wasting several years on studying what they do not want in high school can be very upsetting -> 뭐가 짜증나는건지 모르겠으니 뭐라 고치지.. for this point of view. Secondly, education is not always able to be in school. ->말이 안되는 문장. Education is not confined to schools. We People can learn not only in school, but also at home or somewhere else such as home-schooling.-> 설명 부족. 

 

Nevertheless, students have to stay at school until they are 18 years old. First and foremost, I think the age of 18 could make students eventually think that they are mature physically and mentally.내용과 관련 없음.  Even though they know what they want and what they will do as a future career in the at an earlier age, they need time to think and experience of other aspects of life in school. -> 왜 학교에서 해야 하는지? In addition, making sure the public education let students stay in school until 18 will reduce the risk of falling into educational blind spots. -> 말이 안되는 문장. In addition, ensuring that public education keeps students in school until they are 18 will reduce the risk of them falling into educational blind spots. 교육 사각지대 자체가 말이 안되는건가? Everyone need to have a sufficient knowledge to live for themselves.

 

In conclusion, for the entire aspect of education, it is effective and efficient for children to study in educational institute until 18 years old. Although this is not appropriate to every single student, more Therefore, students should stay in school.

 

Total: 268 words

 

 

* 문단화를 정확하게

* 문법 오류로 인한 말이 안되는 문장 다수

 

 

---

피드백 후 고친 버전

It is consider by some people that everyone should go to school until 18 years old. I completely agree with this opinion as I think that studying at school is valuable.

To begin with, staying in school until reaching the age of 18 may be unnecessary. First of all, if students who are younger then 18 years old decide their future job and are ready to work, it is reasonable to start pursuing what they want. Wasting several years on studying what they do not want in high school can be extremely inefficient for this point of view. Secondly, education is not confined to schools. People may learn not only in school but also at home or through other means, such as online courses, libraries, museums, and community centers.

Nevertheless, students have to stay in school until they are 18 years old. First and foremost, schools provide a variety of educational opportunities and activities that may not be available at home. Even if they know what they want and what they plan to do for their future careers at an earlier age, they still need time to explore and experience other aspects of life in a school environment, where they can interact with peers and teachers. In addition, ensuring that public education keeps students in school until they are 18 will reduce the risk of them falling into educational gaps. Everyone needs to acquire sufficient knowledge to live independently and succeed in life.

In conclusion, it is both effective and efficient for children to study in educational institutions until they are 18 years old. Therefore, it is crucial for students to stay in school until they reach 18 to fully benefit from these opportunities and to build a strong foundation for their future.

---

예시

문단 구성
1. introduction
2. Main body 1
-Disagree
-Agree
3, Main body 2
-Disagree
-Agree
4. Conclusion

Introduction

It is consider by some people that everyone should go to school until 18 years old. I completely agree with this opinion as I think that studying at school is important. 

 

Main body ideas

[Agree] Youngsters should attend schools until they are 18 years old.

• Youngsters can receive sufficient education - everyone needs to learn various knowledge up to a certain level to function in the society.
• With high school certification, they can find a decent job which will allow them to choose a desired career direction.
• Schools are the best places to mature themselves - as well as learning academic subjects, students can build relationships with their friends and teachers.
• A school can be a safe place for youngsters - as they are young, they can be exposed to many harmful aspects such as media sources or crime; however, schools can provide proper guidelines for them to prevent such incidents.

[Disagree] Youngsters do not need to stay in shools until 18.

• Some students may find learning academic subjects unnecessary for them - they may dislike learning advanced academic subjects at school and have other intentions such as entering a job market and traveling. This would make them think that learning at school is a waste of time and money. 
• It is more important to nurture natural traits for youngsters - some young people would have clear version for their future which they may have created according to their talents. If these people have to stay in schools, their academic performances would be lowered as they do not have much interests.

Conclusion

To conclude, In conclusion, To sum up, -> restate -> suggestion

ex) In conclusion, although some student may find staying in school unnecessary, it is important to learn at school.

Suggestion으로 끝나야 하는 것 : agree/disagree, discussion, reason and solution, problem and prevention

Prediction으로 끝나야 하는 것: Cause and effect

둘다 ok: pros and cons, direct questions.

 

Suggestion

Thus, students should be encouraged to stay in school.

 

[Sample]

It is commonly believed that all students must attend schools until they become eighteen years old. I strongly agree with this statement as I believe that schools are the best places for students to develop themselves.

 

To begin with, it is unnecessary to make young people stay in schools until the age of eighteen. Firstly, some students may find learning academic subjects unnecessary for them. They may dislike learning advanced academic subjects at school and have other intentions such as entering a job market and traveling. This would make them think that learning at school is a waste of time and money. Moreover, it is more important to nurture natural traits for youngsters. Some young people would have clear vision for their future which they may have created according to their talents. If these people have to stay in schools, it can be indfficient for them.

 

Nevertheless, youngsters should attend schools until they become eighteen years old. First and foremost, young people can receive education sufficiently. These days, everyone needs to learn various knowledge up to a certain level to function in the society. With high school certificate, they can find a decent job which will allow them to choose a desired career direction. In addition, schools can be the best places for them in many ways. Students can develop their intellectual senses by learning academic subjects, develop social skills by interacting with their friends and teachers, can be led to a right way with relevent education. 

 

In conclusion, although young people can do other activities besides attending schools, I believe that it is necessary to make them stay in schools up to a certain age. Thus, more students should be encouraged to attend schools.